


Saber Monday

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [24]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Attempted Murder, BOXES, Cyber Monday, Gen, Knives, Roommates, Samurai, Stairs, mail, sabers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21641392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: The Administrator receives a package on Cyber Monday and needs John Wick's help in carrying it up the apartment stairs when the elevator is out of order.
Relationships: Administrator & John Wick, John Wick & John Wick's Unnamed Dog
Series: Strange Couchfellows [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1374988
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Saber Monday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hannahandtazzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahandtazzy/gifts).



> For the magnificent hannahandtazzy whom has also supported this series from the start! Thank you so very much!

The Administrator had gleefully decided to spend Cyber Monday parked in front of his computer monitor purchasing items off of the internet both before heading to work and after returning back home. He had saved up enough and considered himself a pretty savvy shopper to not be cheated or swindled. He was joyously succeeding in his plans, furiously clicking the mouse and adding to cart, when his roommate had the audacity to interrupt him.

"Hey," John Wick said after having returned from walking his dog. "How fast of shipping can you choose at checkout?"

"None of your fucking business," the Administrator spat not bothering to look at the man but eyeing a new bright crimson shaded nose ring instead.

"It is when your large package is blocking the entrance," Wick reiterated.

"What?" the bureaucrat said, spinning around, not comfortable hearing John Wick talk about the size of his package and blocked entrances.

"The landlord is complaining," Wick informed.

The Administrator cast a wistful gaze at the coveted new ring and then did the fastest bit of clicking in his life before heading downstairs, with his roommate, to see what ordered item had arrived so very quickly.

* * *

Once on the ground floor, John Wick and the bureaucrat were surprised to find someone already checking out the Administrator's package. Mrs. Milner was poking and prodding an extremely large box, trying to find or make a hole so she could peek inside; she seemed very much like a child with the presents underneath a Christmas tree.

"Oh hello _boys_!" she said, gifting them with a cheerful grin. "So what you got in there? Whips, chains...large quantities of leather?"

The Administrator rolled his eyes as he went to read the shipping label; John just stood there looking impassive beside their nosy neighbor.

"It says it's a dishwasher," the servant of the High Table mumbled. He could, for the life of him, not remember purchasing a dishwasher at all during his short and miserable lifetime.

"It _is_?" John asked. The look on his face was suddenly so happy that the Administrator began to squirm; seeing John Wick happy was a rare sight; like seeing a leprechaun or a cellphone which didn't constantly need recharging after the first few days.

It shouldn't have been a surprise to him, the bureaucrat knew. The assassin had long been complaining about having to do dishes and had proven it by assassinating a few of them along the way. Not wanting to disappoint John Wick, and tired of his best China being broken, the Administrator did not have the heart to tell the other man that he could not recall buying the item. Instead he only smiled, gritted his teeth and said, "Yes...a dishwasher."

"Oh how nice!" Mrs. Milner clapped her hands together. "Now you two fine young men will have more time to wash each other!"

With such visions obviously running through her mind, the old pervert headed out the door giggling, leaving the Administrator (whom was blushing) and John Wick (whom remained unfazed) standing behind in the lobby, alone with the box.

"Now how do we get it back to the apartment?" the pierced man asked regaining his usually pale cheeks.

It was a well known fact that the elevator had been out of order for weeks.

"We carry it," Wick replied, grabbing hold of one of the boxes ends.

Instinctively, the Administrator took the other before realizing that the Baba Yaga was forcing him up the stairs backwards. "Hey! I can't see where I'm going!" he cried. "Why am I the one who has to carry the damn thing backwards?"

"Because you're the guy that bought it," the taller man answered.

The pencil pusher wanted to tell his companion that, no, actually he hadn't, but found himself unable to again.

Up they went the long staircase back to the apartment; John Wick carrying the Administrator's heavy package with ease as the bureaucrat panted heavily.

"Why do you live so far up?" John suddenly asked, betraying his first sign of fatigue.

"Because I like the fucking view, that's why," the short man snapped back.

"Well there's one good thing at least."

"And what is that John Wick?" the bureaucrat grumbled.

The hitman smiled wryly. "I always wanted to handle your package."

...

"Ow," John Wick uttered as the cumbersome box landed on his foot, the Administrator having let go.

Having reached the floor of their shared apartment with no more jokes from the erstwhile comedian, the small man stood beside the tall as they stared at the box. Sweat covered the Administrator's forehead while Wick's remained perfectly dry.

"Do you have a knife to open the damn thing?" the younger man asked, trying to catch his breath.

Both were surprised when a blade suddenly thrusted out from inside of the package. It tore along the packaging tape. When it had finished its journey, and with a large ear piercing cry, the flaps of the box lifted and a samurai stood up, brandishing a saber and making sounds only heard in Bruce Lee films.

This was all wrong, the Administrator thought in horror; A dishwasher was made to handle China: Samurais were Japanese.

The bureaucrat looked to his roommate and was surprised to see John looking as blank as ever.

"Do you wash dishes?" Wick calmly asked the stranger.

The Samurai stopped waving his sword around long enough to answer, "No."

John Wick and the Administrator exchanged a knowing glance before they turned back in unison and kicked the box containing the Japanese assassin down the lengthy flight of stairs. They watched the man's descent down the stairway until he landed on his own saber at the bottom, successfully committing harkiri.

"Should we make a reservation?" John Wick asked, peering over the banister.

"No," the Administrator replied. "There have already been three murders and two suicides today in the building. Let the police take care of this one too."

John Wick nodded before both men returned to their apartment.

The Administrator sat down in front of his monitor again, typing the word "dishwasher" into the Amazon search bar.

**Author's Note:**

> Gah! Once again so sorry for any jokes which may have offended anyone! It's black humor so I have to go with it. Having depression issues myself I have had a few bad times, including dark thoughts, but I hoped if I could take the suicide bit it would be okay with others also. If not let me know.


End file.
